redstopgringo:

I make perfumes that smell like blood, phlegm, black bile, and yellow bile. They’re not very good yet, but I’m trying to improve my scents of humor.

thatll-do:

vykodlak:

the bad news is that my mom was sad that her eggplants haven’t been growing; however, it turns out that the reason her eggplants haven’t been growing is because her eggplants were actually spinach. The good news is that her spinach is growing very well. She was also sad that her peppers haven’t been growing either, but it turns out that the peppers were actually eggplant. And I’m happy to report that the eggplant is also growing very well.

great at gardening, horrendous at botany

commajade:

the structural goal of lesbian media representation is to make being a dyke look as unappealing as possible. u have cops u have bullies u have blandly feminine white women pecking dispassionately it’s so disconnected to the vital pulse of lesbian existence that’s sexy and subversive and iconoclastic and countercultural. they can’t show real lesbians because too many of them are fat communists and look good doing it

glitch1920:

van-eazy:

draconym:

Had a dream I saw blog on tumblr with “irradiated blogs DNI” in the description and when I looked through their posts I discovered there were some blogs with “uranium code” in their css that would expose you to literal radiation if you looked at them.

bicokun:

totesmgoats01-published-author:

chongoblog:

“God is dead” -Zendaya

Zendaya is Nietzsche???

foulserpent:

bosspigeon:

so bc i am a Gross Dude my friends i and sometimes rate our burps and my coworker (who is a teen girl) burped in front of me once and i instinctively rated it

so now every time she burps she looks to me hopefully for a rating and bc she has delicate little baby burps i now have to create an entirely new Burp Rating System unique to her bc i rate anything below a 5 and she looks at me like this

gripes-withthesun:

Appreciation post for everyone explaining a joke in comments and posts when someone doesn’t get it, for people willing to explain pop culture references that fly over someone’s head, for people answering genuine questions about some issue someone has trouble understanding, for people who take enquiries about “common sensical” stuff in good faith, I love you <3

youre-only-gay-once:

give an audience a canon gay ship and they will be entertained for one season. queerbait them and you entertain them for a lifetime.

sandmandaddy69:

real-horse-facts:

real-horse-facts:

let me eat oats out of your hands i promise i’ll be niceys this time

i was lying. fingers fingers fingers fingers fingers fin-

crevicedwelling:

my prey animal skills are being wasted in a human life. im so good at staring blankly and getting really scared of noises and motions and sprinting towards safe locations

pointnclick:

i want to be a vampire so bad. it would open up a whole new world of procrastination. puts off finishing a novel for 100 years. i don’t do the dishes for 20. oh wait i don’t have dishes because i suck blood. another fucking win